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Our First Christmas!Collapse )


This will be the first Christmas in 3 years that we will be able to spend together. Yes, our tree is only 3 feet tall, only half of our lights work, and I made the star myself out of construction paper and red staples. To be honest though, I couldn't think of a better person or tree to spend my holiday with.

(I'm so sorry for the lack of ljcut before!)

First day of school.

Ugh, I'm so tired. I really didn't do a whole lot, but I was consistently busy the whole day. I got up pretty early and attempted to get to school early.

... Unfortunately I didn't heed the whole get to school early thing, because I ended up having to park at the very top of the parking garage. Which sucked and took me an extra 5 minutes.

I got to class a couple minutes late, but not detrimentally. Thank god. It was pretty basic for a first day class. We all introduced ourselves explained our love or hate for math and laughed at everyone. What's interesting about being at an all girls school is that no one is really self conscious. One girl even talked about the torture of breast feeding her daughter who is 18 months with teeth. It's a completely different environment.

After class I walked over to the child care center to start up there. Let me tell you, 2 and a half year olds? Pure chaos. I just had to work through lunch and nap time. Crazy. But, they are all adorable that it's really not so bad.

Then I had my science lab, where I didn't have a great idea of how to get there. But I eventually found it, and was a couple minutes late again. I totally picked the wrong table though, the girls weren't really talking to me and I couldn't hear them when they did.

Sometimes I think I'm probably not going to make friends here. Believe me, I'm trying. I would love to have someone to call and just go out and do something with. It's not looking so promising.

Yeah yeah yeah what of it.

I know, I know, its been well over a year since I've updated this thing, and since I have so much freaking time on my hands I figured why not.

Hell, I don't even know who reads this anymore. Oh well, this is more so for me than anything else so screw all of you who don't read this. :-)

I'm living in Milwaukee now with my boyfriend. Thats right I said it, I'm living with my boyfriend. Didn't think I'd ever have the opportunity to say that. It feels good not going to lie. haha

Life is going pretty damn well right now, aside from being flat ass broke (which I'm hoping to fix with a job at the daycare center at my school *fingers crossed*) things are going pretty smoothly.

I'm finishing up my summer math class next week and I've actually fully aced all of my assessments so far. So basically I really don't even have to take the final assessment because I have adequately proven that I have shown that I understand all the criteria for the course. I know that sounds really wordy to say I'm getting an A, but if my school had grades thats what I would have written, since it doesn't thats what I had to write. My school is so progressive.

Milwaukee is really different than Rockford, well obviously, but I'm having a much easier time adjusting here than I did in Orlando. That might have a lot to do with Sean, it's really nice to have the kind of support and trust in a person in a new environment. He's been more than understanding with this whole move for me. Okay, somewhat understanding. I can't help that I'm emotionally co-dependent with my family. When I packed up and moved out as we were driving down east state street and I'm trying my damndest to stop crying what do I hear coming out of Sean's mouth? "Objects in the rear view mirror..." Yes, he was singing god damn meatloaf. What an ass. :-)

I think once school starts up and I finally get a job, any job, and start to do theater I'll finally find my niche here. I really want to make some friends. I have sean, and his friends Ryan and Natalie whom I adore, but it would be nice to find some people with similar interests. Here's hoping.

And here's to more updates. I promise.


When I wrote this a year ago, I didn't believe a word I was typing. Now that I took it out of the vaults and reread it, I realize now how right on the nail I was. I forgot what happy was then, I'm so glad I have been given the chance to remember.

Scents can fill the air so quickly and bring back thoughts of when I was different. My heart is growing. My life is changing in leaps and bounds. I have people who love me. People who care enough to call and ask me if I’m okay. People who if I say I am fine, I am tired, they wont believe me. I am tired of lies. I am tired of drama. I am tired of you not protecting yourself and looking to me to pick up your pieces. Because of you I don’t take care of myself. I joke that I live vicariously through you. I live for you. I am your shoulder you cry on. I am the self esteem you knock down when you hurt. I am your mirror that you see your flaws in. I am not you. You are not me. We will NEVER be the same. I want to love myself. I want to be happy. I want everything I can get out of life. You have made me believe I don’t. you have made me believe I am happy just getting by. You make me feel as if my dreams aren’t tangible. My goals mean noting. My hard work to get there is a waste. If I am not by your side then hell. You know what? Whatever it is I am doing isn’t worth a damn. Some days I really hate you. And because I know I could never let it out…I end up hating myself. I feel Audrey slip away. I feel you take over. I feel as small as a speck of dirt and you don’t stop me. I shouldn’t look to you to stop me. I should look to me to not let you take over. You would be so lost without me. And one day…you’re going to be lost. And when that happens…I think I might be happy. I don’t have to hurt myself to show you. The best revenge is to succeed. And I’m finally going to do that. I want nothing more out of life but to live it. And love every second of it. You have no power over me any more.


When it rains it pours.

Recap: Friendly Mid-Western grocery checker.

I got these two guys one after the other.

First situation:

Me- Hi!
Mean Old Guy- "I'm mean and I think it's funny."

So there I am checking out his soup.
MOG- *Staring at my hair.*
Me- *Notice the staring and smile back.*
MOG- I don't like your hair.
Me- *Huh?* Your total is X amount of dollars.
MOG- That's not even a pony tail you have back there, it's a rooster tail. You know what that is? That's what you have. Is that your real hair color? I bet it isn't. Why would you do that to yourself?
Me- Uh....ha ha...yes sir, that is my natural hair color. I do value you're opinion thank you. Here's your change you have a great day!
MOG- Ha Ha rooster tailed girl. *leaves*
Me- What the hell...

Situation the second:

He was actually directly behind the Mean Old Guy. Not so much sucky as WTF'y.

Me: *waves*
CCG: Creepy Condom Guy

Me- Hi there!
CCG-*Throws box of condoms on belt.*
Me- *Scans without giggling hooray!* That will be X amount please.
CCG- *Winks* Oh...not a problem *Creepy leer smile*
Me- O-k...Alright here is your change! Have a great night.
CCG- Oh dont you worry sweetheart. *Wink yet again and leaves*
Me- I need a shower. *Shudder*

Thank God it was time for my break after those two. 
Where to start...I guess from the beginning. 

I am alive. So let's finish that rumor right now. 

School is going well. I'm excited to learn (most of the time) and that's a huge change.

I'm ready to be done with RVC, and hopefully will be in May. 

My job, while on occasion can suck horribly, I like it enough. I love everyone I work with so that makes it tolerable. 

Friends are good. For once it's nice to know I'm wanted around. 

My back bone is back. If I'm angry you'll know. For now I'm just too stable to be upset.

The love life? Ugh. Confusing. Yet completely great. It's complicated, Tessa knows, I just don't really feel like gushing about it. He's good. I'm good. We understand. Trips are in the making. (Of course I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled out .)

Theater is on the back burner right now. It has to be sadly. Soon I hope. Soon.

Well I have some emails to attend to. I'll update soon again.

Are you serious?

It was supposed to be an easy 3 and a half hour shift...

And the countdown

I realized that this is the first time I believe since ever, that I didnt have a countdown started for my birthday. I actually forget some days. Weird huh? I just rationalize, and say that its my first insignificant birthday in quite some time. Which is very true. Honestly though, things have taken higher priority. That depresses me a little. I am growing up despite the fact that I really don't want to. I know I cant stop it, and really there isnt anything I can do about it. I just wish it wasnt all hitting me so fast. Like can't life just let me breathe for ONE second?

Despite everything I'm still fairly content. I have a good life. Filled with people who appreciate me, and dont let me forget it. Im trusting way more than I ever have, and I think it has a lot to do with the fact tha I now surround myself with people who respect me and care for me. I now KNOW that I'm a worthwhile person. I don't second guess that for an instant.

I worry though that sometimes I forget who I am. I get so carried away that it's hard for me to come back to reality. I never noticed how quickly I am to write myself off. This person said this THIS way, therefore I screwed up somehow. What kind of logic is that? I know in my logical thoughts that that can't be right. Then why is it some days the first thing that pops into my head. I'll get there. I just never knew this stuff would be an every day struggle. Go fig.

Of course


What a day.

I'd like to hide for awhile thank you.